Thank You

Everyone is an opportunity. Everyone is an experience. You, in the abstract, have been brought into my life for a reason, as a testament to my capacity to love, to be understanding, to be patient, to be kind, to be selfless, to be a servant. This seems to involve reconfiguring the roles that the people in my life at this juncture in time play and reimagining how I might continue to grow in love. Ironically, this "relationship" is making me extremely empathetic towards my last, in which I was the one who picked and choosed when to call, when to be involved, how much (little) of my time I was willing to sacrifice from week to week, if/when I was going to be there when you needed me. And I see why it drove you crazy - the uncertainty, the selfishness, the lopsidedness. But I could only hear you speak those things and try to empathsize/understand because I was inside of it/that. It is always in retrospect that these types of things are brought into the light and that we begin to experience a version of ourselves that we couldn't see from inside the shadows of that former self. I guess that is what might be called wisdom, which can only be gained over time, through experience, over experience, through time. It sort of sucks that people are often the outlets through which these less than extraordinary versions of ourselves are discovered, but it is what it is and this is why forgiveness is so important - because everyone needs to go through the fire, be bad, be ordinary in order to be extraordinary. And in the process we often hurt each other or use each other to unwrap/create/discover ourselves. If only we could be born with wisdom!

It's 5 in the morning. I can't sleep partially because I watched the Shining, partially because I had a good amount of sugar, partially because I am trying to remind myself that you don't call me because you are busy.

It's 5 in the morning and I am crying. I just had a deep coversation with a friend who told me that she was raped... more than once. My advice to her was to thank him/them. I think that, as harsh as this sounds, it is good advice (pats self on back.. hehehe...just kidding..I am simply reiterating lessons I've been taught and ones I've adopted from others..an On the Shoulders of Giants approach to education and living in general as it has so aptly been named). Thank him/them. For the opportunity he has given you - the potential for you to empathize with other people who have experienced similar things is now there. It is a blessing in disguise to be able to enter this new terrain, to speak of horrific things and spread love and awareness from a new, enlightened vantage point. We all have particular sufferings. I sort of wish I had a harder life - weird huh? - it's been pretty awesome... I guess what I am particularly empathetic towards is loneliness.... Anyway, the fact that my friend was raped not once, but twice, the reaccuring nature of this experience, might be interpretated as a suggestion that she is meant for a greater purpose. She is a vessel for something bigger than herself. 
I think that gratitude is more proactive than forgiveness. It's like... a branch of forgiveness, but an extremely important one because it enables us to use our experiences, our sufferings for good, to make the world a better place, not to create expressions (via writing songs, creating social networks, other acts of revenge etc.) that simply keep the cyclic wheel of human suffering in motion. We had a Harvard professor speak at our yoga teacher training and she told us that "no one gets out of childhood unscarred" (Why did I feel the need to cite the fact that she was a Harvard professor in order to make that mundane statement seem more weighty.. new blog? haha) We are all scapegoats at one point or another for other's misfortunes. I remember reading about greek theater when I was an undergrad. I forget who said it, but someone was concerned that the spectacles involved in greek theater were serving merely cathartic functions. That they were a way for the audience to purge themselves of their sufferings by watching others suffer. This is a practice that is manfested in new, yet similar ways today. We do all this stuff to make us feel good. We take medication to numb our suffering or have sex and drink and get high or get lost in the media or..jeez virtually everything.... as a way to distract ourselves, numb ourselves...wow that could be a long tangent...

this is why I like laughing.. because my thoughts are deep... and laughter reminds me that life is not that serious..but it is, sort of not really. It's seriously funny! ha. ha. ha...

......................Is Nothing Sacred?
©SFS

this is a weird memory that is coming into my head right now... I remember being in Brooklyn once sitting my living room. There were 2 other girls and the conversation turned to sex. They started talking about sex and boys and pleasure and how they expected their men to do these crazy things to them and make them feel good and reciprocate favors and whatnot. I remember thinking "Wow. I think I might puke." Not because of the topic... I'm all for talking about sex, baby! But because of their interpretation of this very sacred activity. I guess I'm thinking about this now because it falls under the category of selfishness, which is how I feel when I think things like "why don't you call?" "why don't you care?" which is how I began this blog. So it all relates, I swear!

This blog rocks... it always transforms me in some way, shape, or form. Tonight, the transformation occured outside, in another virtual realm, while I was in the process of sorting out my thoughts. Here I am worried about myself while my friend is out there experiencing this enormous physical/emotional pain. Or is all pain similar? Sort of like.. when you are in love, little things become big deals.. like how the grass feels on your bare feet or your personal experience in an awkward social situation..  love makes these things matter, resensitizes you. Similar to personal sufferings? 
And now I am simply grateful. Thank you people in my life, no matter what you do, who you are.

 To have never suffered would be to have never been blessed.