Fuck You.

I like rock music. I liked it before I got into any other music, before I realized how powerful music could be or how different rhythms moved me. To be more precise, I like rock ideology. I always find that after I listen to something really passionate or something weird or something moving or something that tugs at my heartstrings, I retreat back to rock music. After I started questioning things and trying out different beliefs and different lifestyles, rock music was always a sort of constant - something refreshing, relaxing, unemotional. Weird that these are not qualities that are typically associated with rock music, but this is how this genre made me feel.   This is sort of strange since rock music seems to be the antithesis of everything that I really deeply love about life (love, truth, yoga, silence, natural beauty...things of this sort). However, in pondering why I love the things/people/experiences/ect. that I love, I've come to conclude that they all have that "Fuck You" quality about them. I love yoga (as a metaphor for a particular kind of lifestyle) for the same reason I love Rock music. I think it is encapsulated in this poem, which, ironically, also has that "Fuck You" quality about it...

People are unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered.
Love them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish ulterior motives.
Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and true enemies.
Succeed anyway.

The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow.
Be good anyway.

Honesty and frankness will make you vulnerable.
Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight.
Build anyway.

People need help, but may attack you if you try to help them.
Help them anyway.

In the final analysis, it is between you and God.
It was never between you and them anyway.

- Mother Theresa

Grad school is showing me exactly what I thought that it might, except in new,  interesting, and more esoteric ways - that the world is socially constructed and reality is never what it seems to be. This is cool because once we realize the latent paradigms that underlie the way that things function, we can create or choose our way - like the autistic child did in The Curious Case of the Dog at Night.. not that he could help it, but still (another book of "Fuck You" quality). So, fuck who? Fuck you socially constructed, ideologically perpetuating "reality" and all of the standardized products, services and creations that you propose to be true. I love you, but fuck you.

This blog sounds harsh. I really hate the F word, but it seems appropriate and not interchangeable hahaha.

On another note, fear and love are opposite sides of the same coin and I have been excessively afraid lately. But this is not really who I am, it is just something temporary. Anything that comes out of my mouth (or anyone's for that matter) that is written in letters or blogs or spoken or acted out that is not all-encompassing, unconditional love is fear - fear of transitioning, of relinquishing the past, of newness, of being on my own, things of this sort. Any words, thoughts, actions or creations that I manifest and bring into the world or thrust upon you/anyone that are not aligned with this ultimate goal of seeing the beauty in all things, of truly saying Fuck you to everything that is not unadulterated, unconditional love are not really me- they are just some ulterior me, some ego-bound me speaking or acting or thinking on some worldly whim. 

And this, I think, (what do I know?) is where the logical fallacy of life and love occurs - in the space between the real and the false - in assuming that one is the other, that my very essence is validated by what I say, do, act out, or create.... even though these manifestations of "me" might be motivated by fear - a transitory state of being. And this is why we tire of love, why we move on from a person or get anxious about the circumstances that we are in. But, ironically, it is these material manifestations that draw people to each other... so how now brown cow? hahaha... I just felt like saying that..... but really, people come to love each other for their idiosyncrasies so... I guess how now brown cow is a good way to end that thought.... hahahaha.  


again, what do I know?.

I like you a lot because I think that you realize these things -and because you also seem to have that fuck you-ness about you.

And I like myself a lot because I know I realize this. In this way I am so, so small, yet can be so large.