Fuck You.

I like rock music. I liked it before I got into any other music, before I realized how powerful music could be or how different rhythms moved me. To be more precise, I like rock ideology. I always find that after I listen to something really passionate or something weird or something moving or something that tugs at my heartstrings, I retreat back to rock music. After I started questioning things and trying out different beliefs and different lifestyles, rock music was always a sort of constant - something refreshing, relaxing, unemotional. Weird that these are not qualities that are typically associated with rock music, but this is how this genre made me feel.   This is sort of strange since rock music seems to be the antithesis of everything that I really deeply love about life (love, truth, yoga, silence, natural beauty...things of this sort). However, in pondering why I love the things/people/experiences/ect. that I love, I've come to conclude that they all have that "Fuck You" quality about them. I love yoga (as a metaphor for a particular kind of lifestyle) for the same reason I love Rock music. I think it is encapsulated in this poem, which, ironically, also has that "Fuck You" quality about it...

People are unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered.
Love them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish ulterior motives.
Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and true enemies.
Succeed anyway.

The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow.
Be good anyway.

Honesty and frankness will make you vulnerable.
Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight.
Build anyway.

People need help, but may attack you if you try to help them.
Help them anyway.

In the final analysis, it is between you and God.
It was never between you and them anyway.

- Mother Theresa

Grad school is showing me exactly what I thought that it might, except in new,  interesting, and more esoteric ways - that the world is socially constructed and reality is never what it seems to be. This is cool because once we realize the latent paradigms that underlie the way that things function, we can create or choose our way - like the autistic child did in The Curious Case of the Dog at Night.. not that he could help it, but still (another book of "Fuck You" quality). So, fuck who? Fuck you socially constructed, ideologically perpetuating "reality" and all of the standardized products, services and creations that you propose to be true. I love you, but fuck you.

This blog sounds harsh. I really hate the F word, but it seems appropriate and not interchangeable hahaha.

On another note, fear and love are opposite sides of the same coin and I have been excessively afraid lately. But this is not really who I am, it is just something temporary. Anything that comes out of my mouth (or anyone's for that matter) that is written in letters or blogs or spoken or acted out that is not all-encompassing, unconditional love is fear - fear of transitioning, of relinquishing the past, of newness, of being on my own, things of this sort. Any words, thoughts, actions or creations that I manifest and bring into the world or thrust upon you/anyone that are not aligned with this ultimate goal of seeing the beauty in all things, of truly saying Fuck you to everything that is not unadulterated, unconditional love are not really me- they are just some ulterior me, some ego-bound me speaking or acting or thinking on some worldly whim. 

And this, I think, (what do I know?) is where the logical fallacy of life and love occurs - in the space between the real and the false - in assuming that one is the other, that my very essence is validated by what I say, do, act out, or create.... even though these manifestations of "me" might be motivated by fear - a transitory state of being. And this is why we tire of love, why we move on from a person or get anxious about the circumstances that we are in. But, ironically, it is these material manifestations that draw people to each other... so how now brown cow? hahaha... I just felt like saying that..... but really, people come to love each other for their idiosyncrasies so... I guess how now brown cow is a good way to end that thought.... hahahaha.  


again, what do I know?.

I like you a lot because I think that you realize these things -and because you also seem to have that fuck you-ness about you.

And I like myself a lot because I know I realize this. In this way I am so, so small, yet can be so large.

Thanks for serving!

.... we had an OCF conference call the other day and our leader ended it on this note of gratitude. It is such an obvious thing that my role in this new job title, and in life, is to be of service, to serve, to be a servant for a greater purpose. But it is something that I had forgotten somehow. I think this is natural when we are caught up in the busy-ness of life - we get caught up in the here-and-now and forget to make mental/physical time for all the stuff that isn't a temporary distraction. It's sometimes hard to remember that that is what all of this "stuff" is. It was especially hard during Pippin to not get hypnotized into thinking that the show was not but a fleeting bit of a nice experience in the grand scheme of life because I loved it so much. But I can't help but wonder... then what? and then what? and then what? and then what? and then what? and then what? And ultimately I come to the conclusion that we are meant to love and serve and that is the end of the then whats? And then all of these experiences that we have.. school, sports, music, theater, work, family, etc. take on a new transcendent purpose and we can go through life not consumed by the worldliness of each of them, but by the opportunities for loving and serving that are inherent in each one.

I've been questioning what my role has been in each of the schemas that currently comprise my life recently and, today, this statement somehow made its way to the forefront of my consciousness and made me feel blessed that I have so many opportunities to fulfill this calling. What immediately comes to mind is my role in Much Ado About Nothing - a waitress/bartender. I am literally a servant. I serve drinks and tend tables and clean up after everyone else and backstage I make sure everyone is comfortable enough to perform to their greatest capacity. It is very much a role that takes a backseat to the other leading roles -and I love it! In fact, when I think about it, I can reimagine my entire life as being made up of opportunities to serve - family, school, athletics, theater, relationships, etc. They are all glorious opportunities for us (me) to realize how/what/in what ways we can give of ourselves.

The greatest thing you'll ever learn, is just to love and be loved in return.

But wait!

Waiting for the fish to bite. Or waiting for wind to fly a kite. Or waiting around for a Friday night. Or waiting perhaps for their Uncle Jake or a pot to boil or a better break or a string of pearls or a pair of pants or a wig with curls or another chance. Everyone is just waiting.

I just discovered how to put pictures into my blogs! I wonder if this will convolute or clarify what I am trying to say with words. At any rate, not that I've written life a letter of resignation... (yet.. haha)... I clearly have not done that since I've decided to go to grad school because I've learned that there is so much to learn....but is it not OK sometimes to just wait? This picture presupposes proactivity to be the path towards going places in life. But once we've reached a certain point, maybe one at which we're happy with ourselves or content that the person we've created ourselves to be is ultimately the person we want to share with someone else, then mustn't we just wait to see what becomes of what we've created? Or should we actively try to make something of the something we've already made something of (hehehe)? I feel absolutely ambivalent about this aspect of my life right now. To wait or not to wait, that is the question?

Sermon!

Last week, I attended the Taste of Danbury. As you probably know, it is a community-based event where businesses around town can set up booths to sell their products and services and get acquainted or reacquainted with the community. There was music and dancing and food and crafts and it was an overall good time. Last week, a few hours later, the ladies in my family also had a Julia Childs cooking party. We wore French hats and cooked French food, played a few games, drank French wine, had a few laughs and talked about life. Both events were important reminders that I am apart of something bigger than myself. That I am not alone in the world.

You all are probably able to tell similar stories about the communities that you have in your own lives. Here at church we have the lady’s society and the men’s society. We have Teen Soyo and Sunday school for our youth and a Choir for those who love to sing. Outside of church we belong to a myriad of different social groups or jobs that foster a shared sense of self. The Orthodox College Federation offers this sense of community to college kids as we venture off into the world on our own for the first time. Having gone through four years of college, I can testify to how unnerving the experience can be. We are thrown into dorm rooms with 6 other roommates who we’ve never met and are forced to get along with them. We are given books to read and ideas to toil with that force us to examine our beliefs and either strengthen or weaken our convictions. We are surrounded by so many different lifestyles and have to make an ungodly number of decisions about who we are and the experiences and people that we want to shape our lives. Some of us become athletes, some scholars, some of us politicians, some artists, and some human-rights advocates. As Orthodox college students, we are so many things, yet, hopefully, above and beyond all of the different directions that our lives take us in, we are children of God.

College kids have the world at their fingertips, a whole bed of knowledge to play with and a thousand different roads down which they can travel. What the Orthodox College Federation offers us is peace of mind. We can go out into the world and achieve our dreams when we know that we have something constant in our lives to turn to during trying times, despite the changing tides of the social world. We can rely on God and a community of patient, compassionate, kind, loving Orthodox Christians who enable awesome service programs like Real Break, Just Love, and College Conference to be made manifest. We can live in peace knowing that there is a community of other Orthodox Christians who are all striving to live according to God’s word. We can feel that all-important sense of connection with other people through the programs offered in and around the college community by the OCF.

For the past two years, I have attended college conference at the Village. You’ve probably heard testimonies about what a wonderful, peaceful place Antiochian Village is from the youth of our church who have attended the conference during the winter or camp during the summer. It is a place where we go to worship, where we go to dance and pray and make new friends and attend workshops that remind us what it means to be an Orthodox Christian. The conference is something I look forward to going to year after year, in part because of the programs and the prayerful environment that is fostered there, but also because of the other college students who attend the event from all over the country. How great it is that we can reunite for four days a year and get our dose of spirituality and community, then take all that we have learned and apply it to real-life situations. How comforting and lasting are the relationships that we form. This is what the Orthodox College Federation has done for me and for so many others; it has given us peace of mind and the comfort of knowing that we are not alone.

A list.. Because I like making them

I'm excited to rebalance my life. I was pretty good about keeping it in order this summer, except towards the end. But I think that is natural and I turn to Eat, Pray, Love's proposal that it is necessary to fall out of balance for love sometimes. Anyway, there is a lot of stuff I want to experience in life... actually.. there is very little I do not want to... which is why, I've come to conclude, I make so many lists. They help me remember what I REALLY care about and then align my actions accordingly instead of always going off on whims.

Things I desperately want to do in life:

Go to Burning Man
Hike the entire Appalachian Trail
Peace Corps
Study yoga/meditation in India
Spend some time at a monastery
Spend a summer volunteering at Kripalu
Study macrobiotic cooking here - http://www.kushiinstitute.org/

Get a PhD from this program - http://histcon.ucsc.edu/index.html!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Go through this program and come out bruised and beaten and rejuvenated
and certified to teach 5 rhythms - http://www.gabrielleroth.com/!!!!!!!!!!! (sidenote: sometimes I go to this website for hours and get so lost listening to Totem [or whatever other music is on repeat].. like right now =) )

The last two I want so so badly it almost hurts to think about them!!!
ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!


Things I want to make a part of my life forever/keep pursuing:

yoga..forever..until I die!
writing
practicing the act of loving unconditionally
reading
guitar

... I think these things are things I will be able to do all of my life, even when I am old and frail, which is why they seem so appealing.

I'll have to probably think long and hard about timing because I also want to fall in love and get married and have a family and when that happens I won't be able to do the things on that list that involve traveling and intense study because I'll be preoccupied with my fam! Actually, come to think of it, I should probably get moving on some of these if I want to fit them all in! God forbid I have to make sacrifices! I hate doing that! hahaha!

I read over my entire blog last night. It was funny and shocking and beautiful and I'm glad that I have it to keep track of how my ideas/outlook has evolved and to remember how I felt at specific moments in time. Right now, I'm thinking a lot about when exactly all of these ideas took place and the conditions that allowed for them to be made manifest in my blog. I'm reading a cool book right now and one of the author's hypothesis' is that success in life is predicated on predetermined variables like what month you were born in (for some things.. Canadian hockey to be exact). Basically, if all your stars are aligned correctly (metaphorically speaking) then you'll be able to attempt to rise to the top of whatever field you pursue in what is very much a meritocracy. I think this is how love works, as well - you don't just fall in love - you have to be prepared to let it fall into you.
I guess what I'm also trying to get at in a very circuitous manner is that a lot of my mental/emotional/spiritual progress/current beliefs was/were both upended and cemented in college. I remember at times being so pretentious. And then so humbled. And then so confused. And I'm trying very hard not to talk about specific people, but I'm wondering how I should go about letting all of that happen to you. There are things in life that we can talk about and read about, but there are processes in life that we have to go through - we have to allow ourselves to be stripped of our beliefs, to be thrown into murky water so we can find somehow find our way up to the surface where we can breath fresh, new air again. I guess loving you means sitting back and watching college work its magic on you, all the while knowing that you might not be anywhere near the same person you were when you went in.

Anyway, I anticipate writing in here a lot more because I will have a bajillion new ideas/beautiful things thrust my way once grad school kicks in in about a week. Am I really going to grad school??!?! OMG!