LETS TALK ABOUT SEX, BABY

WARNING: SEX ENTRY AHEAD!
if you are under the age of 12 and/or don't want the entire Steven Colbert chapter on Sex&Dating spoiled before you have a chance to read it then STOP NOW!

I bet if you were to skim my entire blog and were forced by either time contraints or an evil pots-and-pans robot (Family Guy? anyone? anyone?) to read just one entry it would be this one. Sicko!

Before I get into this stimulating topic, I'd like to take the time to address all you prospective bachelors who might be looking for some insight into my own sexual wants and desires and state that I am a lesbian virgin who has pledged to remain celibate for the duration of my sexless life, which should be an extremely easy task since I am genetically asexual.
Note that though there is some contradiction in simultaneously embracing lesbianism, asexuality, celibacy, and virginity, I am above the constraints of modern sexual categories and am therefor able to practice all four.
Great, so now you can read this blog as an objective theorization about Sex that in no way reflects my own lesbian, virgin, celibate, asexual perspective. Bring on the heat!

THINGS I DID TODAY THAT WERE SEXUAL:

- listened to "you and me baby aint nothin' but mammals" and pictured myself as a pornographer on the Discovery channel
- listened to the Beatle's "Why Don't we Just Do it in the Road" and succumbed to the invitation
- studied Ancient Greece
- walked through the Time-Warner building in Columbus Circle (google the artwork and you'll know what I mean)
- watched Quill in my Children & the Media class
- discussed Sex in both my Children & the Media class and my Freedom of Expression class
- peed in an airport restroom while making sexual advances at the man in the next urinal (didn't think I had it in me did you?)
- read Stephen Colbert's chapter on Sex & Dating and the one on Homosexuals
- ate chocolate
- went to yoga
- swallowed
- scanned the collection of pornographic spam that I've been accumulating in my AOL mailbox
- ate baby carrots (S.C. would be proud!)
- watched two ants fornicating in Central park
- walked through Times Square
- included Fluffy in an email to my dad
- took the train (come on? long, silver shaft that spits out commuters when it reaches its destination and charges more money for tickets during peak time?)
- had sex with Johnny Depp...
- solved world hunger (didn't tell anyone) (hey that's hott, right?)

sooo lets talk about sex baby! Really, lets. I got an email today -apparently a "very naughty girl" likes me! This may be a little presumptuous of me, but i think she might be it, you know, "the one." I don't want to open the email because I don't think I am yet ready to embrace such a colossal realization, to take that huge step towards a new life yet, but I will, eventually, I will! So if you are reading this, very naughty girl, please wait for me. I'll....come(sp?) around... eventually.

Why does it seem that America, society, is so anti-pleasure? The media, religious institutions, and even many of our families are scared of sex, yet it is a natural, anatomically sound, procreationally essential, historically significant, beautiful thing. We have been conditioned to fear it, though. PENIS = BAD! VAGINA = UNSPOKEN WORD THAT MUST BE SUBSTITUTED FOR 'VAJAJAY!' (I'll admit, I shun it too). COPULATION = HEDONISTIC! Seriously, think about elementary school, middle school, and high school sex talks. What did they consist of? Not anatomical representations of the body and of two (or three, four, whatever floats your boat... I prefer seven) bodies conjoing into one entity. God forbid we learn the logistics of sex. What we heard were stories about AIDS, HIV, and other horrifying STDs. I remember being grossed out by over-exaggerated pictures of gential warts and other arcane diseases. It is enough to turn one celibate! When I got to Fordham, our freshman orientation consisted of each student receiving a cup of water. Some were chemically altered to turn pink when another chemical was poured into them. We were instructed to share our water with four other people chosen at random. At the end, we got to see the "ramifications" of our choice to "engage in sexual intercourse" with these random constituents; most of us had aquired an "STD." SEX IS BAD. This is the message that many of us have grown up with. And it is counter-productive because we eventually have to unlearn this fallacious message and relearn the valid fact that SEX IS GOOD.


We are fundamentally ambivalent about sex.
The mass media has it's own sexual agenda (sex sells, so use it excessively and with reckless abandon - be sure to include it in Disney movies and cartoons targeted at children so they will become more productive consumers...come on.... Sponge Bob doesn't have those abnormally large and ecstatic eyes because he just ate a Krabby Patty.... Squidworth was pleasuring him. And it's no coincidence that Donald Duck isn't wearing pants. He's surrepticiously promoting public nudity.)

Society has it's own sexual agenda (they secretly want kids to become more sexual at a younger age so they can scapegoat them and relinquish themselves from public scrutiny when things like rape, assault, and adultery accidentally occur)

Politicians have their own sexual agenda (see "society" above and add "and use these sex-fiends as compaign initiatives")

Our body has it's own agenda (it knows what it wants and what it wants is to feel good).

sooooooooo what should we do with all this and how do we deal with these competing forces?
When I went to the Alex Grey museum for a second time (better than the first time, definitely going back for round 3) I noticed that in his Cosmic Christ painting there were two opposing sexual images at the bottom of the Tree of Life (which, on the dark side, depicted man and all the savagery he has inflicted on the earth and on the other, the light side, nature and all the serenity that is inherent in it). On the dark side, there was what looked like a demon having sex with some decrepid character that looked like she(?) was dead. On the other side, the light side, was a depiction of sex leading to procreation. Clearly, the message was that recreational sex is bad and procreational sex is good. Is this valid? Is sex only good when it is used to bear children? According to Steven Colbert, "sex is power - the power to create life, the power to ruin life, and the power to sex it up good." So sex can either feel good, do good, or do bad.

Sex is animalistic. This is both the savagery and the beauty of it.
Steven Colbert - "There is nothing more beautiful thatn two mature people who are in a committed, loving relationship doing something unspeakable debasing."
We gain knowledge and develop our intellects so that we can rise above other species int he animal kingdom, but then we sink to their level when we copulate. Ironic? Or proof that we are all equal brothers and sisters in the circle of life? If he latter is true then it provides an argument for beastiality, something that has been condemned as henious in our elitist culture. I envision a future in which Lions will fornicate with mice and sheep will sleep with jungle birds.
Stevie tellingly provides a list of fornicating animals and their sexual styles:

1. Earthworms - they do it everywhere...under rocks, in the driveway, underground. "I don't care if you're an adult in worm years, Mr. Worm - if you can't handle tending a few thousand cocoons, don't ventrally fertilize your hermaphoditic partner."

2. Ants - They do it everywhere too, but not for procreational purposes (there are enough of them already). They do it because they enjoy it and they do it "in plain sight of picnics - part of the sick thrill."

3. Tigers - aquire their life partners via stalking (they track down their prospective mates when they ar ready to have children and then seduce them into procreating via roaring.

4. Bowerbirds - their females are snyonymous with human females today. They force the males bowerbirds to build elaborate nests and then pick one based on his architectural prowess.

5. New Mexico Whiptail Lizard - They reproduce by partheogenesis (the way God intended... see the subliminal indication? Genesis?)

These are just a few of the many fornicating beasts... others include dogs, cats, and mice. But that's it. The others are simply products of evolution. Whales too. They evolve from cats.

So we are subject to our animal instincts. We try to rid outselves of them, but they seem to be unriddable. We still hunger for food and thirst for water. Men want women to blow them and women want men to suck their tits, I, of course, being the exception. There's an argument for all you animal activists.

I hope that the rest of your day is just as spicy as this blog was. Have a great day...in bed.

xoxoxXXXoxo