fantasmata

There’s a nineteenth century dance concept called “fantasmata.” Basically, it’s the ability of stillness to imitate flight or, on the flip side, when abrupt movement is quickly stilled. This Michael Whelan painting sort of illustrates what I mean:

I think that this concept embodies all that my aerial silks have the capacity to do… or I guess, what I have the capacity to do with my aerial silks. But only if I can embody that feeling. I can only emote if I can feel, just like the best gymnasts can actually emote in gymnastics because they have mastered disciplined movements – but virtually none of them ever do because in the act of disciplining the body, they lose the capacity to feel, to express emotion through it in their craft. So my silks can either be another way of saying “hey look how strong I am” or “hey look! I can memorize choreography!” But they can also be a beautiful articulation of feelings, emotions, sentiments, memories…

ATTN: you

Since people actually seem to be reading this and since there appears to be a legitimate concern for the state of my mental well-being, I feel compelled to remind everyone that this blog is, above all else, a work of creative writing. Although it may seem like my paradigms are shifting daily, what I’m actually trying to do is rid myself of blinding narrow-mindedness. If you don’t understand, read the Emperor’s New Clothes.

            This is especially important right now because I’m in the midst of crafting my thesis, of producing new knowledge by means of highlighting the way seemingly contradictory things are in actuality very much linked. So if you read my writing blog by blog, yes, I’ll seem out of my mind. But if you read it in it’s entirety and try to identify the element that links all of it together, you’ll see that I’m actually very sane and have a deep and inexorable admiration and adoration for everyone and everything around me. But I don't think anyone actually cares that much about me to read all of it. 

             So don’t worry, I’ve still got mad love for mankind and truly believe that people are all inherently good. Life is beautiful, you are beautiful, I am beautiful.  

            

Dance, Technology, Divinity etc.

The planet will be here for a long, long, LONG time after we’re gone, and it will heal itself, it will cleanse itself, ’cause that’s what it does. It’s a self-correcting system. The air and the water will recover, the earth will be renewed. And if it’s true that plastic is not degradable, well, the planet will simply incorporate plastic into a new paradigm: the earth plus plastic. The earth doesn’t share our prejudice toward plastic. Plastic came out of the earth. The earth probably sees plastic as just another one of its children. Could be the only reason the earth allowed us to be spawned from it in the first place. It wanted plastic for itself. Didn’t know how to make it. Needed us. Could be the answer to our age-old egocentric philosophical question, “Why are we here?” 

Plastic…asshole." 

— George Carlin

Mobius Strips and Shepards Tones. Basically, these are visual and auditory examples of the question ‘which came first the chicken or the egg?’ When you arrive at the answer to this question through logic or philosophy or whatever route you choose to take, you always find yourself back at the beginning, having given yourself the illusion that you have been moving towards a linear destination, when in reality you have been traversing a circle (of thought in this case) that has taken you under and over the loop around which you have been circling, but that ultimately leads you back to where you began. 

In Buddhism there is a concept called ‘non-abiding nirvana.’ In a nut-shell, when you’ve reached nirvana – that ultimate place of joy, you’re not supposed to dwell in your own ecstasy. You’re purpose becomes to enlighten others, to expose them to their own suffering and illuminate the path towards ecstasy. Basically this is Buddhism’s way of accounting for the fact that nirvana = death. Why? Because when you reach nirvana the world presumably becomes completely knowable and the true nature of things reveals itself unto you, oh enlightened one! So what else is there to do? You already know everything!

I know a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.

 -George Carlin

I remember one of my undergrad profz revealing to us why she chose to become a media studies prof – because growing up her mother used to warn her about the dangers of media, about how bad it was. This prompted her to question this perspective and ultimately to see that it was just one amongst many. Her upbringing profoundly influenced her teaching (many of our writing assignments involved looking/listening to/watching something that disgusted us and writing about how beneficial it was). So really she is a media studies professor, but also a Mobius Strippian (would that word count in scrabble?)

Healthy does not mean "healthful." Healthy is a condition, healthful is a property. Vegetables aren’t healthy, they’re dead. No food is healthy. Unless you have an eggplant that’s doing push-ups. Push-ups are healthful.

 - George Carlin

Anyway, I’ve been doing a lot of meditating, simplifying, and not thinking. My purpose is not to reach nirvana, although it might seem like it, and it actually might have been in the beginning. My purpose is simply to be present more efficiently. To let go of the thoughts and stuff that is holding me down and keeping me from more fruitfully and presently traversing Rainbow Road.  To feel, think, speak, act with integrity. My purpose is to be. So the most relevant thing in my life right now is pranayama. Yummmmmmmm! 

Actually, the catalyst for all shifts in perspective are those ‘What the Fuck?’ experiences that don’t make sense. My parents divorce; what the fuck? If marriage is for better or for worse than this doesn’t make sense.  I wasn’t a college gymnast; what the fuck? My body is amazingly equipped to excel in athletics and I’ve trained my mind to focus with the acute singularity that I imagine you might find in many elite athletes  – me not being an athlete doesn’t make sense. Stephen loved me and I loved him back and then he was gone with the wind; what the fuck? I thought I could trust him - it didn’t make sense. People who practice Orthodoxy still hurt each other; what the fuck? I thought religion was all about love – this doesn’t make sense.  Etc. etc. etc. etc.  etc.

That para was actually really hard for me to write. 

What must the world look like so that we might know it? To familiarize our inherently unknowable world; this is why we quest, why I am where I am and why I'm doing what I'm doing, why I'm meditating, why I write, why I dance, why I live, why being as receptive as we can to moments and experiences is essential. 

"I'm a Modern Man"

George Carlin

I'm a modern man.
I'm a modern man.
I'm a modern man.
I'm a modern man.

I'm a modern man,
A man for the millennium,
Digital and smoke free.

A diversified multicultural postmodern deconstructionist,
Politically anatomically and ecologically incorrect.

I've been uplinked and downloaded.
I've been inputted and outsourced.
I know the upside of downsizing.
I know the downside of upgrading.

I'm a high tech lowlife.
A cutting edge state-of-the-art bicoastal multitasker,
And I can give you a gigabyte in a nanosecond.

I'm new wave but I'm old school,
And my inner child is outward bound.

I'm a hot wired heat seeking warm hearted cool customer,
Voice activated and biodegradable.

I interface from a database,
And my database is in cyberspace,
So I'm interactive,
I'm hyperactive,
And from time-to-time,
I'm radioactive.

Behind the eight ball,
Ahead of the curve,
Riding the wave,
Dodging a bullet,
Pushing the envelope.

I'm on point,
On task,
On message,
And off drugs.
I got no need for coke and speed,
I got no urge to binge and purge.

I'm in the moment,
On the edge,
Over the top,
But under the radar.

A high concept,
Low profile,
Medium range ballistic missionary.
A street-wise smart bomb.
A top gun bottom feeder.

I wear power ties,
I tell power lies,
I take power naps,
I run victory laps.

I'm a totally ongoing bigfoot slam dunk rainmaker with a proactive outreach.
A raging workaholic.
A working ragaholic.
Out of rehab,
And in denial.

I got a personal trainer,
A personal shopper,
A personal assistant,
And a personal agenda.

You can't shut me up,
You can't dumb me down.
'Cause I'm tireless,
And I'm wireless.
I'm an alpha male on beta blockers.

I'm a non-believer and an over-achiever.
Laid back but fashion forward.

Up front,
Down home,
Low rent,
High maintenance.

Super size,
Long lasting,
High definition,
Fast acting,
Oven ready,
And built to last.

I'm a hands on,
Foot loose,
Knee jerk,
Head case.

Prematurely post traumatic,
And I have a love child who sends me hate mail.

But I'm feeling,
I'm caring,
I'm healing,
I'm sharing.
A supportive bonding nurturing primary care giver.

My output is down,
But my income is up.
I take a short position on the long bond,
And my revenue stream has its own cash flow.

I read junk mail,
I eat junk food,
I buy junk bonds,
I watch trash sports.

I'm gender specific,
Capital intensive,
User friendly,
And lactose intolerant.

I like rough sex.
I like rough sex.
I like tough love.
I use the f word in my email,
And the software on my hard drive is hard core, no soft porn.

I bought a microwave at a mini mall.
I bought a mini van in a mega store.
I eat fast food in the slow lane.

I'm toll free,
Bite sized,
Ready to wear,
And I come in all sizes.

A fully equipped,
Factory authorized,
Hospital tested,
Clinically proven,
Scientifically formulated medical miracle.

I've been pre-washed,
Pre-cooked,
Pre-heated,
Pre-screened,
Pre-approved,
Pre-packaged,
Post-dated,
Freeze-dried,
Double-wrapped,
Vacuum-packed,
And I have an unlimited broadband capacity.

I'm a rude dude,
But I'm the real deal.
Lean and mean.
Cocked, locked and ready to rock.
Rough tough and hard to bluff.

I take it slow.
I go with the flow.
I ride with the tide.
I got glide in my stride.

Drivin' and movin',
Sailin' and spinnin',
Jivin' and groovin',
Wailin' and winnin'.

I don't snooze,
So I don't lose.
I keep the pedal to the metal,
And the rubber on the road.

I party hearty,
And lunch time is crunch time.

I'm hanging in,
There ain't no doubt.
And I'm hanging tough,
Over and out.

show me the way

Beseechingly, I urge; body, mind, soul, but one of you, show me the way.

Ephemeral quests for It – mastery of movement, mastery of knowledge, mastery of love.

Lucidity; a nobler quest.

To speak, to act, to think, to feel with equanimity, uninhibited, really there; questless.

But it is my roving body who has boarded these holy crusades.

Jaded, the cause of so much joy.

But it is my ruminating mind who has heralded these hallowed thoughts.

Jaded, the cause of so much joy.

But it is my sentimental soul who has inspirited these tender passions.

Jaded, the cause of so much joy.

Integrate and show me the way. But never lead me to It.

Show me the way. I’ll never get to It?

And that’s ok.

That’s ok?

pleasure vs happiness

Pleasure vs happiness. There is a definite difference, but for some reason the two are often confused, the latter being undistinguishable from the former. In reality, the constant pursuit of pleasure is a barrier to sustainable happiness for the simple fact that pleasure is needy and very much not sustainable. Examples of things that give me pleasure: dancing, the feeling i get in my chest from running long and fast (runner's high?), working out at the gym, doing handstands, eating good food, having good laughs with good friends/family, listening to good music, watching/listening/reading something that really resonates with me, spending time with people who share my perspective on whatever it is we are communing over, learning something new, lattes from starbucks, experiencing the sudden chill of fall.

But none of these things are sustainable.  I can't run, do handstands, eat chocolate, laugh, listen to music, watch good videos, spend time with likeminded people, read, learn, drink lattes, and experience fall constantly and infinitely because all of these things come and go. Everything in life comes and goes; good people, good music, the seasons, good food, good media. Eventually we become immune to the pleasure we get from these external things (anything external) because ultimately pleasure is a chemical thing that has something to do with the dopamine in our brians.  I can't even dance forever and feel happy because even my body is finite and limited in terms of how long, how deep, and how much it can move!!!

Happiness, on the other hand, is something that is cultivated internally, by training the mind through meditation and stillness. And it's potentially infinitely sustainable if we just take the time to train our minds to perceive the ultimate futility of pleasure and discipline ourselves through meditation to see that pleasure is only a distraction!!! 

But life is NOT empty! it is not meaningless! it's FULLLLL! if only we take the time to meditate, get rid of our stuff, and realize how very real our capacity to see beauty is.

More and more I've been experiencing moments of bliss. And they happen so spontaneously! And they never involve attachment or pleasure-seeking! They never involve the attraction I feel towards anything external or an internal feeing of ecstasy. They are the residual effects of my efforts to meditate more deeply, to shut off my mind and just breath and JUST BE THERE. This enables me to identify patterns, to trace my lines of thought back to their source. .

One of my favorite fortune cookie lines ever reads "Keep Up." I never understood it until I started meditating. It's about BEING THERE! Keep up with the present moment - it's always happening. But we go so many other places - we go forward into the future, we go backward into the past, or we numb ourselves and become ignorant to the present and although we are there, we really aren't. If we're constantly there, then we cannot help but be happy because life becomes SO FULL! And to think that we shouldn't experience a moment, a place, a person, because we've experienced it before, to think that we shouldn't hike to the top of a hill or stand at the shore and watch the ocean because someone has already been there done that becomes the most childish sentiment in the world!

simplify. 

simplify your physical stuff

simplify your mental stuff

simplify your emotional stuff

being empty is being full

being empty is being full

living simply is living fully

Move, Feel, Question, Share

An experimental dance group. Dance as the medium of expression, as the object. Dance as a way to ask questions and derive answers, or not. Dance is the only way I see as communicating such things. The body, movement. Expression. Creativity. Dance as a mirror. Dance as a response. Dance as an experiment. I KNOW that everyone wants to dance, too, because dancing IS being alive – moving is being alive, not moving is dying. Moving, stretching, breathing is being alive. The only reason we sleep at night is so that we can be alive and move during the day. The only reason why we eat is so that we can fuel our bodies to move. And wondering is being mentally alive. Wonder, question, be curious. And music is about feeling so dancing to music is about being alive and awake and in tune with our feelings.

Here’s an example of a job in which I felt like I was dying – mentally, physically, and spiritually. I was working as a gymnastics coach in NYC, except it wasn’t really about gymnastics, it was a business that expected me to adhere to a script (I literally had to learn the lyrics to songs and move children around the room using the same words every time) and train children to all look and move a certain way despite the fact that they were all wonderfully different and unique. So I was dying mentally because I was using my brain to memorize a script not to actually think and I was dying physically in that because the children were expected to move a certain way, so was I, their coach. And I was dying spiritually because I couldn’t love each child for their uniqueness and their beautiful childishness like I wanted to.

 I was asked to answer the following question in my thesis class the other day:

What do you wonder about? 

I wonder what the process of teaching myself how to be left-handed would be like and feel like? I wonder what it would be like to be bald and how people would respond to me? I wonder what goes on inside of my body and how everything connects and how different foods effect ME? I wonder about street musicians. What are they thinking and feeling? I wonder about my Uncle Tom. What is he thinking and feeling? I wonder what you wonder about? I wonder what long distance runners feel like when they run for hours and hours and hours. I wonder about babies. I wonder how different animals communicate with each other.

I don’t want to die, I want to live. And I don’t see any other alternative than to create an experimental dance group with people who also want to live and ask the question “what do you wonder about?” by moving to music and then maybe eventually giving it form and boundaries so that we can share it with other people  who can respond to it because sharing what we love and do with other people is what it means to be human.

Move, Feel, Question, Share.  I want to do this. And I want to do this with other people who are interested in really being alive. And I want to dance to and through our wonder. And I want to share our findings, our dance with other people who also have the potential to be liberated, to be free. The only prerequisite is desire.

Dance as a place of wonder, of curiosity, and of engagement. Dance as a thing that anyone can do because everyone who is alive  has the capacity and the desire to be free , to feel, to be liberated, and to move. Why? Because everyone wants to be happy. It’s what drives us to act, to decide one thing over the other, to keep going, to question. And everyone suffers in some way, shape, or form. We can’t help it; it’s what it means to be a bio-physical human-being who is effected by other bio-physical human beings. But the great thing is that we can dance through our suffering.

So dancing is a way to ask and answer these questions. And it’s the only way. Words are not about feeling, they are about theorizing about feelings and talking about feelings is not about feeling. Like when I play a Cmajor chord on the piano it is an expression of happiness that is enabled by the kinetic relationship between my hands and the piano and the Cmajor chord is simply the audible expression of a feeling that is already inside of me that is manifested when my fingers dance with the keys.  The feeling is inside of me, but the movement, the dance gives it life.

The nature of therapy in our country is so weird! You’re sad, you go to a trained therapist, you sit in a chair and talk about your feelings and I guess get feedback. And this all occurs under the presumption that these feelings you are experiencing are “bad” and that talking about them will make them go away.  

I’ll take dancing through them for $500 please. No feeling is bad. What we do or do not do with them is bad. Moving is being alive. Remaining inert is dying. By moving your body you are LITERALLY CHANGING IT and if you are feeling bad then you want to CHANGE those bad feelings into good feelings. So move, bitch, get out tha' way!

Personally, DOING is definitely what has been missing in my life. I got really GOOD  at observing and thinking and philosophizing about doing and really BAD at actually doing and feeling and sensing. Really GOOD at thinking and really BAD at feeling.

Now academia doesn’t seem so bad when I think of it as a place of wonder, of curiosity. Not as a bastion of pretentious jargon about things that don’t really matter-  that are only accessible to academics who have reached a certain level at which they can think about and discuss them. If we only felt and never thought then we would be barbaric animals who didn’t give a fuck about each other and who experienced happiness, or I guess neutrality, out of ignorance. I imagine that fish are happy or neutral or whatever they are because they don’t think, but we’ve been endowed with parts, a brain, a mind that enables us to do that very thing and that enables us to wonder and that enables us to weigh our options and make decisions that will enhance our happiness. And this is why we can *potentially* be way happier than fish; because we can use our thinking minds to help us make choices that will lead us to ecstasy. We can create our own maps to ecstasy that lower-level animals can’t.

 So thinking isn’t bad….

Until we start thinking ourselves out of feeling. Until we start thinking about the doing so much that we are actually not doing anymore and just thinking, thinking, thinking. And then we are so removed from the actual doing and feeling that we lose track of the importance of the very vessel that keeps us alive; our bodies.

 I want to Move, Feel, Question, and  Share. Dance is the only thing I know and the only way I can communicate truthfully. And I'm not talking about some premeditated, choreographed dance that has to be done on a hardwood floor in some studio with the assistance of a trained teacher. I'm talkin' bout tha' real shit! I'm talking about dancing to the very personal question "What do you wonder about?" in all its manifold variations and derivatives.

And I want to do it with other people. If you’re out there other people who are interested in really living, give me a shout out, yo. I want and need to create with you!

purpose, happiness

I'm starting to realize how similar nihilism and unconditional love are and how destructive it has been that i've been pursuing the latter as an end and a means to achieve happiness and derive meaning out of life. In the process of doing that I've lost touch with myself, with my feelings, with my passions, with my life.  If nothing matters then nothing is special. And if everything matters then nothing is special, too. And that really sucks.

But it's not so bad because it means that I'm well aware of how unfulfilling people and things ultimately are; it's just the way that I chose to address this ultimate realization that is the problem. And this is maybe what Cameron says when he says I'm an inch away from being free. It also means that I want my heart to be in a good place and my actions to be motivated by love rather by bitterness.

having a purpose. What I want to write right here is:

 "i see so many people living purpose-less lives, distracting themselves with not really living, with filling their time up by living vicariously through others or watching life happen to them on TV, in movies, etc. etc. etc.  instead of really grounding themselves in themselves. I see so many people who are so far removed from themselves that they have no idea why they do the things they do, how they make decisions, what forces are acting upon them when they choose this or that or how food, the air, nature, music is effecting them because they aren't really living on purpose. They are letting life happen to them. I see so many people seeking instant gratification because they long so desperately to be happy, to feel love, to feel good things. I see so many people seeking happiness in either things or people; both fleeting."

...... but who cares? They are not me. And ME is who is experiencing this world, who is living this life and having these thoughts and writing this blog. ME!


...so purpose and life and sacrificing and happiness and what I really want and I think it might not be to stay in academia and overthink things and teach people how to overthink things. I think it might be to teach people how to be in their bodies and how to love their bodies and how how to move their bodies and how to dance their way through life. Because that's what makes me feel good and happy and I truly believe that if you can learn to love your body and learn to love the way it moves, what it can do, how it works, then you can love your life and if I believe that then it's a message that I can not only spread, but also live.

I also think that happiness and unconditional love are not mutually exclusive. If I'm truly happy then it means that I'm not happy because of someone else or because of some thing or some event. I'm happy internally, externally, all ternallys and so how could I not help but love everyone if I were living, breathing, and coming from a place of love? I guess what I mean to say is that the pursuit maybe shouldn't be one of unconditional love. It should maybe be one of staying in tune with your rhythms, with yourself so that you can give yourself what you need to be happy and then love will just happen.

I want to be in love always. In love with myself, with wherever I am, with whoever I'm with. Because that is happiness.