purpose, happiness

I'm starting to realize how similar nihilism and unconditional love are and how destructive it has been that i've been pursuing the latter as an end and a means to achieve happiness and derive meaning out of life. In the process of doing that I've lost touch with myself, with my feelings, with my passions, with my life.  If nothing matters then nothing is special. And if everything matters then nothing is special, too. And that really sucks.

But it's not so bad because it means that I'm well aware of how unfulfilling people and things ultimately are; it's just the way that I chose to address this ultimate realization that is the problem. And this is maybe what Cameron says when he says I'm an inch away from being free. It also means that I want my heart to be in a good place and my actions to be motivated by love rather by bitterness.

having a purpose. What I want to write right here is:

 "i see so many people living purpose-less lives, distracting themselves with not really living, with filling their time up by living vicariously through others or watching life happen to them on TV, in movies, etc. etc. etc.  instead of really grounding themselves in themselves. I see so many people who are so far removed from themselves that they have no idea why they do the things they do, how they make decisions, what forces are acting upon them when they choose this or that or how food, the air, nature, music is effecting them because they aren't really living on purpose. They are letting life happen to them. I see so many people seeking instant gratification because they long so desperately to be happy, to feel love, to feel good things. I see so many people seeking happiness in either things or people; both fleeting."

...... but who cares? They are not me. And ME is who is experiencing this world, who is living this life and having these thoughts and writing this blog. ME!


...so purpose and life and sacrificing and happiness and what I really want and I think it might not be to stay in academia and overthink things and teach people how to overthink things. I think it might be to teach people how to be in their bodies and how to love their bodies and how how to move their bodies and how to dance their way through life. Because that's what makes me feel good and happy and I truly believe that if you can learn to love your body and learn to love the way it moves, what it can do, how it works, then you can love your life and if I believe that then it's a message that I can not only spread, but also live.

I also think that happiness and unconditional love are not mutually exclusive. If I'm truly happy then it means that I'm not happy because of someone else or because of some thing or some event. I'm happy internally, externally, all ternallys and so how could I not help but love everyone if I were living, breathing, and coming from a place of love? I guess what I mean to say is that the pursuit maybe shouldn't be one of unconditional love. It should maybe be one of staying in tune with your rhythms, with yourself so that you can give yourself what you need to be happy and then love will just happen.

I want to be in love always. In love with myself, with wherever I am, with whoever I'm with. Because that is happiness.