The act of questioning is also the act of exclusion, of growing ever more distant from the norms or common denominators that unite communities and people. It is a tricky decision, whether to pursue the light of truth and expansion of mind or resign oneself to the comfort of community and connection. This is the circular route I see my life taking constantly...
moments of bliss ~~~> moments of existential wonderment~~~> moments of despair ~~~~> neutrality ~~~> moments of bliss~~~~~> moments of existential wonderment ~~~~> moments of despair ~~~~> neutrality ~~~> moments of bliss (ego on joyride) ~~~~> moments of existential wonderment (why am I here? who am I) ~~~~> moments of despair (I am no one, who cares) ~~~~~> neutral zone ("conclusive" state of being as determined by this ongoing process).
... sometimes the states of existentialism and despair are reversed... but for the most part...
bliss ~> existentialism ~> despair ~> neutrality.
What makes me happy is being able to identify this trajectory. Knowing before hand that a high will not last forever, that a great adventure like doing a play or dancing or whatever it is that gives you that high will ultimately not last forever, that it will ultimately transpire into existential meanderings that then more often than not lead to despair because they remind you of the answer to the exact question that they seek to answer (will this high last forever? is this IT? have I found my PLACE? answer = no), and then descending into a state of neutrality, of peacefulness, of neither happiness nor sadness, of just simply being, ...... (this might not be a coherent sentence hahaha).... the fact that I have come to a point in my life, that I have lived long enough and been attentive enough to be able to determine that this is LIFE, this is the circular process that we (I?) go through, gives me hope, happiness, makes me joyful...it essentially keeps me going.
The seeking is better than the sought.
-cirque du soleil
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1 comment:
Leila.. I reposted some things from this blog in mine... mostly because I feel like if I post it as well as you, more people will see it, and thus learn from it!
Most of the things you write, specifically that on Fear and Love, Technology and memory, and human nature.... There are things that I feel when I read your writing that I can't quite explain.. although I will say that you and I share A LOT of the same passions and a lot of the same views on existence... and the things I feel when I read what you write, or understand where your thoughts are coming from, are sort of like, a connectedness... another fleeting thought probably, but one that says " wow, someone else see's the world like I do", and suddenly everything is ok, and I am in some kind of existential bliss.
Keep writing. I feel beauty and love when I think of you. I've been so lucky to meet so many rare birds, and you are quite possibly one of the rarest of birdies!
Anyways, I always find that translating feelings into language is a fruitless endeavor, and so I do regret that this comment does not at all sum up the great capacity of the feelings evoked in me from reading your blogs... but take it as it is
and we'll let it go.
:)
You've healed me tonight in so many ways, because I was living in a moment of such fear. I thank you and the universe.
I wish you peace.
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