fantasmata

There’s a nineteenth century dance concept called “fantasmata.” Basically, it’s the ability of stillness to imitate flight or, on the flip side, when abrupt movement is quickly stilled. This Michael Whelan painting sort of illustrates what I mean:

I think that this concept embodies all that my aerial silks have the capacity to do… or I guess, what I have the capacity to do with my aerial silks. But only if I can embody that feeling. I can only emote if I can feel, just like the best gymnasts can actually emote in gymnastics because they have mastered disciplined movements – but virtually none of them ever do because in the act of disciplining the body, they lose the capacity to feel, to express emotion through it in their craft. So my silks can either be another way of saying “hey look how strong I am” or “hey look! I can memorize choreography!” But they can also be a beautiful articulation of feelings, emotions, sentiments, memories…

ATTN: you

Since people actually seem to be reading this and since there appears to be a legitimate concern for the state of my mental well-being, I feel compelled to remind everyone that this blog is, above all else, a work of creative writing. Although it may seem like my paradigms are shifting daily, what I’m actually trying to do is rid myself of blinding narrow-mindedness. If you don’t understand, read the Emperor’s New Clothes.

            This is especially important right now because I’m in the midst of crafting my thesis, of producing new knowledge by means of highlighting the way seemingly contradictory things are in actuality very much linked. So if you read my writing blog by blog, yes, I’ll seem out of my mind. But if you read it in it’s entirety and try to identify the element that links all of it together, you’ll see that I’m actually very sane and have a deep and inexorable admiration and adoration for everyone and everything around me. But I don't think anyone actually cares that much about me to read all of it. 

             So don’t worry, I’ve still got mad love for mankind and truly believe that people are all inherently good. Life is beautiful, you are beautiful, I am beautiful.  

            

Dance, Technology, Divinity etc.

The planet will be here for a long, long, LONG time after we’re gone, and it will heal itself, it will cleanse itself, ’cause that’s what it does. It’s a self-correcting system. The air and the water will recover, the earth will be renewed. And if it’s true that plastic is not degradable, well, the planet will simply incorporate plastic into a new paradigm: the earth plus plastic. The earth doesn’t share our prejudice toward plastic. Plastic came out of the earth. The earth probably sees plastic as just another one of its children. Could be the only reason the earth allowed us to be spawned from it in the first place. It wanted plastic for itself. Didn’t know how to make it. Needed us. Could be the answer to our age-old egocentric philosophical question, “Why are we here?” 

Plastic…asshole." 

— George Carlin

Mobius Strips and Shepards Tones. Basically, these are visual and auditory examples of the question ‘which came first the chicken or the egg?’ When you arrive at the answer to this question through logic or philosophy or whatever route you choose to take, you always find yourself back at the beginning, having given yourself the illusion that you have been moving towards a linear destination, when in reality you have been traversing a circle (of thought in this case) that has taken you under and over the loop around which you have been circling, but that ultimately leads you back to where you began. 

In Buddhism there is a concept called ‘non-abiding nirvana.’ In a nut-shell, when you’ve reached nirvana – that ultimate place of joy, you’re not supposed to dwell in your own ecstasy. You’re purpose becomes to enlighten others, to expose them to their own suffering and illuminate the path towards ecstasy. Basically this is Buddhism’s way of accounting for the fact that nirvana = death. Why? Because when you reach nirvana the world presumably becomes completely knowable and the true nature of things reveals itself unto you, oh enlightened one! So what else is there to do? You already know everything!

I know a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.

 -George Carlin

I remember one of my undergrad profz revealing to us why she chose to become a media studies prof – because growing up her mother used to warn her about the dangers of media, about how bad it was. This prompted her to question this perspective and ultimately to see that it was just one amongst many. Her upbringing profoundly influenced her teaching (many of our writing assignments involved looking/listening to/watching something that disgusted us and writing about how beneficial it was). So really she is a media studies professor, but also a Mobius Strippian (would that word count in scrabble?)

Healthy does not mean "healthful." Healthy is a condition, healthful is a property. Vegetables aren’t healthy, they’re dead. No food is healthy. Unless you have an eggplant that’s doing push-ups. Push-ups are healthful.

 - George Carlin

Anyway, I’ve been doing a lot of meditating, simplifying, and not thinking. My purpose is not to reach nirvana, although it might seem like it, and it actually might have been in the beginning. My purpose is simply to be present more efficiently. To let go of the thoughts and stuff that is holding me down and keeping me from more fruitfully and presently traversing Rainbow Road.  To feel, think, speak, act with integrity. My purpose is to be. So the most relevant thing in my life right now is pranayama. Yummmmmmmm! 

Actually, the catalyst for all shifts in perspective are those ‘What the Fuck?’ experiences that don’t make sense. My parents divorce; what the fuck? If marriage is for better or for worse than this doesn’t make sense.  I wasn’t a college gymnast; what the fuck? My body is amazingly equipped to excel in athletics and I’ve trained my mind to focus with the acute singularity that I imagine you might find in many elite athletes  – me not being an athlete doesn’t make sense. Stephen loved me and I loved him back and then he was gone with the wind; what the fuck? I thought I could trust him - it didn’t make sense. People who practice Orthodoxy still hurt each other; what the fuck? I thought religion was all about love – this doesn’t make sense.  Etc. etc. etc. etc.  etc.

That para was actually really hard for me to write. 

What must the world look like so that we might know it? To familiarize our inherently unknowable world; this is why we quest, why I am where I am and why I'm doing what I'm doing, why I'm meditating, why I write, why I dance, why I live, why being as receptive as we can to moments and experiences is essential. 

"I'm a Modern Man"

George Carlin

I'm a modern man.
I'm a modern man.
I'm a modern man.
I'm a modern man.

I'm a modern man,
A man for the millennium,
Digital and smoke free.

A diversified multicultural postmodern deconstructionist,
Politically anatomically and ecologically incorrect.

I've been uplinked and downloaded.
I've been inputted and outsourced.
I know the upside of downsizing.
I know the downside of upgrading.

I'm a high tech lowlife.
A cutting edge state-of-the-art bicoastal multitasker,
And I can give you a gigabyte in a nanosecond.

I'm new wave but I'm old school,
And my inner child is outward bound.

I'm a hot wired heat seeking warm hearted cool customer,
Voice activated and biodegradable.

I interface from a database,
And my database is in cyberspace,
So I'm interactive,
I'm hyperactive,
And from time-to-time,
I'm radioactive.

Behind the eight ball,
Ahead of the curve,
Riding the wave,
Dodging a bullet,
Pushing the envelope.

I'm on point,
On task,
On message,
And off drugs.
I got no need for coke and speed,
I got no urge to binge and purge.

I'm in the moment,
On the edge,
Over the top,
But under the radar.

A high concept,
Low profile,
Medium range ballistic missionary.
A street-wise smart bomb.
A top gun bottom feeder.

I wear power ties,
I tell power lies,
I take power naps,
I run victory laps.

I'm a totally ongoing bigfoot slam dunk rainmaker with a proactive outreach.
A raging workaholic.
A working ragaholic.
Out of rehab,
And in denial.

I got a personal trainer,
A personal shopper,
A personal assistant,
And a personal agenda.

You can't shut me up,
You can't dumb me down.
'Cause I'm tireless,
And I'm wireless.
I'm an alpha male on beta blockers.

I'm a non-believer and an over-achiever.
Laid back but fashion forward.

Up front,
Down home,
Low rent,
High maintenance.

Super size,
Long lasting,
High definition,
Fast acting,
Oven ready,
And built to last.

I'm a hands on,
Foot loose,
Knee jerk,
Head case.

Prematurely post traumatic,
And I have a love child who sends me hate mail.

But I'm feeling,
I'm caring,
I'm healing,
I'm sharing.
A supportive bonding nurturing primary care giver.

My output is down,
But my income is up.
I take a short position on the long bond,
And my revenue stream has its own cash flow.

I read junk mail,
I eat junk food,
I buy junk bonds,
I watch trash sports.

I'm gender specific,
Capital intensive,
User friendly,
And lactose intolerant.

I like rough sex.
I like rough sex.
I like tough love.
I use the f word in my email,
And the software on my hard drive is hard core, no soft porn.

I bought a microwave at a mini mall.
I bought a mini van in a mega store.
I eat fast food in the slow lane.

I'm toll free,
Bite sized,
Ready to wear,
And I come in all sizes.

A fully equipped,
Factory authorized,
Hospital tested,
Clinically proven,
Scientifically formulated medical miracle.

I've been pre-washed,
Pre-cooked,
Pre-heated,
Pre-screened,
Pre-approved,
Pre-packaged,
Post-dated,
Freeze-dried,
Double-wrapped,
Vacuum-packed,
And I have an unlimited broadband capacity.

I'm a rude dude,
But I'm the real deal.
Lean and mean.
Cocked, locked and ready to rock.
Rough tough and hard to bluff.

I take it slow.
I go with the flow.
I ride with the tide.
I got glide in my stride.

Drivin' and movin',
Sailin' and spinnin',
Jivin' and groovin',
Wailin' and winnin'.

I don't snooze,
So I don't lose.
I keep the pedal to the metal,
And the rubber on the road.

I party hearty,
And lunch time is crunch time.

I'm hanging in,
There ain't no doubt.
And I'm hanging tough,
Over and out.

show me the way

Beseechingly, I urge; body, mind, soul, but one of you, show me the way.

Ephemeral quests for It – mastery of movement, mastery of knowledge, mastery of love.

Lucidity; a nobler quest.

To speak, to act, to think, to feel with equanimity, uninhibited, really there; questless.

But it is my roving body who has boarded these holy crusades.

Jaded, the cause of so much joy.

But it is my ruminating mind who has heralded these hallowed thoughts.

Jaded, the cause of so much joy.

But it is my sentimental soul who has inspirited these tender passions.

Jaded, the cause of so much joy.

Integrate and show me the way. But never lead me to It.

Show me the way. I’ll never get to It?

And that’s ok.

That’s ok?

pleasure vs happiness

Pleasure vs happiness. There is a definite difference, but for some reason the two are often confused, the latter being undistinguishable from the former. In reality, the constant pursuit of pleasure is a barrier to sustainable happiness for the simple fact that pleasure is needy and very much not sustainable. Examples of things that give me pleasure: dancing, the feeling i get in my chest from running long and fast (runner's high?), working out at the gym, doing handstands, eating good food, having good laughs with good friends/family, listening to good music, watching/listening/reading something that really resonates with me, spending time with people who share my perspective on whatever it is we are communing over, learning something new, lattes from starbucks, experiencing the sudden chill of fall.

But none of these things are sustainable.  I can't run, do handstands, eat chocolate, laugh, listen to music, watch good videos, spend time with likeminded people, read, learn, drink lattes, and experience fall constantly and infinitely because all of these things come and go. Everything in life comes and goes; good people, good music, the seasons, good food, good media. Eventually we become immune to the pleasure we get from these external things (anything external) because ultimately pleasure is a chemical thing that has something to do with the dopamine in our brians.  I can't even dance forever and feel happy because even my body is finite and limited in terms of how long, how deep, and how much it can move!!!

Happiness, on the other hand, is something that is cultivated internally, by training the mind through meditation and stillness. And it's potentially infinitely sustainable if we just take the time to train our minds to perceive the ultimate futility of pleasure and discipline ourselves through meditation to see that pleasure is only a distraction!!! 

But life is NOT empty! it is not meaningless! it's FULLLLL! if only we take the time to meditate, get rid of our stuff, and realize how very real our capacity to see beauty is.

More and more I've been experiencing moments of bliss. And they happen so spontaneously! And they never involve attachment or pleasure-seeking! They never involve the attraction I feel towards anything external or an internal feeing of ecstasy. They are the residual effects of my efforts to meditate more deeply, to shut off my mind and just breath and JUST BE THERE. This enables me to identify patterns, to trace my lines of thought back to their source. .

One of my favorite fortune cookie lines ever reads "Keep Up." I never understood it until I started meditating. It's about BEING THERE! Keep up with the present moment - it's always happening. But we go so many other places - we go forward into the future, we go backward into the past, or we numb ourselves and become ignorant to the present and although we are there, we really aren't. If we're constantly there, then we cannot help but be happy because life becomes SO FULL! And to think that we shouldn't experience a moment, a place, a person, because we've experienced it before, to think that we shouldn't hike to the top of a hill or stand at the shore and watch the ocean because someone has already been there done that becomes the most childish sentiment in the world!

simplify. 

simplify your physical stuff

simplify your mental stuff

simplify your emotional stuff

being empty is being full

being empty is being full

living simply is living fully